John Kay's Gift to the World... Himself

Biography by my good friend and fellow pervert, Bud Solomon.

John Kay was born Burkhard Adolf Adelheid in 1986 to illegal German immigrants. Upon seeing the baby, his mother was so appalled that she threatened her husband with testicular dismemberment if he did not find a way to switch the child with another in the nursery. Hence, little Burkhard was taken home with Mommy and Daddy Kay, where his doting parents decided to call him John. He had a fairly normal childhood filled with sports, rock n roll, and wonderful home cooked meals. There were a few problems at school along the way but nothing too out of the ordinary…



In 7th grade he told the entire multicultural club that they were all “perversions of the One True Race.” Things looked bleak for young Johnny, but with his quick wit and boyish charm he convinced concerned parents, teachers, and mental heath professionals that this hateful outburst was just his inferior breeding shining through. Furthermore, he insisted that with frequent beatings and gifts of men's literature he would grow beyond making such maladjusted claims. Since becoming an avid consumer of pornography, John is proud to say he is completely cured, and has molded himself into the shining pinnacle of the 21st century male.



Having spent the last four years clawing his way out from under a mountain of coeds, he has nearly earned his bachelors degree from the esteemed University of Oregon. In recent years he has contributed to many publications and blogs as a humorist, columnist, and general sexist. John Kay is a man’s man, and an admirable one at that. His hobbies include drinking, gambling, smoking, philandering, and leaving strangers in bewilderment and disgust. He is a master of many art forms, but his words are by far his greatest talent. He always brings something new to the table and never ceases to take things one step too far.