A Quote

John: "I find your thinly veiled disgust to be very charming."

Smart Young Lady: "Well, I find your thinly veiled charm to be disgusting, so I guess we're even..."

I just got owned. Women 1, John 0, go skirts.

Lung Butter

I have the flu. I've been coughing up a lot of lung butter. It's kinda like ejaculating, only instead goo comes out of your lungs, and it doesn't feel good. And girls still won't swallow it. Go figure.



I had my last final on Wednesday. It was at 8:00 in the morning. At this point I had been sick for 3 days or so. Around 9:03 I sneezed - nothing to worry about, I was (and still am) sick after all. But wait, moisture. Damn. I'm sitting between two cute, anxious, yawning lovelys and I've just blown snot all over my hand.

Then I looked down.

I anticipated green globs of gel to be speckled about my hand. Instead I saw what appeared to be a shot of red spraypaint all over my scantron. Vertigo abounds as I realize I had just bubbled in the entire test at random with my own blood.



I move to glance about. Everyone is focused on their tests, surely they won't notice. I peer to my left and right and my gaze is met with respective looks of disgust and horror.

Brunette to my right: "EWwwughghh ew ew ew ew."

Blond to my left: "Oh. My. God. How much blow did you do last night?"

My immediate thought after hearing those reactions was, "my blood-sneeze is going to get a better grade than them," followed by, "I bet I can still get the blond's number," followed by, "Ehhh.. I think I've outgrown my coke-slut faze.." followed by, "who am I kidding, no I haven't."

The brunette, Wendy, asked if I needed a doctor. I answered no, but you should give me your phone number in case I need to call someone later. She was a stupified/impressed that I would have the audacity to hit on her while blood ran down my face, but she said she had a boyfriend. While I doubt that's true, I wasn't going to waste time while I leaked precious bodily fluids. I immediately got up, handed in my gore laiden scantron, and went to the bathroom to tend to my nosebleed.

The moral of the story: My blood-sneeze got a B-, it must have studied a lot harder than I did.